No, not a born again Christian. Born again in passion and zest for life (zestfully clean…remember those days?). When I gave birth to my daughter, I became myself times 100. Everything I had ever wanted to do became urgent and necessary. All the hobbies and dreams I’d harbored inside, setting them aside for the “right time” (translation: making more money, having more free time, having the patience…no real good reason) became my top priority. Don’t get me wrong, I totally got the necessity to be selfless. But at the same time, I realized motherhood allows me to be selfish to some extent. It means I can indulge in the things I love or want to explore because it makes me truer to myself, and in turn to D. I want to show D her mother knows who she is, what she wants and how to get it.
I don’t want her to see her mother always saying, “I’d love to learn to learn to do -x- or speak -x- or travel to -x-.” Then toss that dream aside and never fulfill it. I want to do it all or at least try. I want her to know that possibility is boundless. I want to teach her life is now, not, “Oh that can wait.” Babies learn through example. I’m also a big believer babies have an amazing sense of vibe. Vibe is my way of saying that thing …an air or quality, an emotion or way of being you exude. I know if I’m in a crappy mood, D knows it. Not because I’m moping around or pouting but because I exude a crappy vibe. If I indulge in the things I want and have an interest in, then my vibe will be one of confidence and fulfillment. If you could translate that vibe into something real it would be me sitting criss cross apple sauce on my yoga mat chanting “Om”. By example, I will show her how to remain true to herself.
It’s these selfish choices that make me a good mother. Most people wouldn’t associate selfish with motherhood but I think it’s necessary. It allows me to hold onto myself and grow. It gives me the opportunity to attempt to balance my life. In turn, it makes me a better parent.
When I say that all the things I’d wanted to do became urgent, I’m not kidding. I picked up my old knitting needles. I’ve made more in the last month than I have in the entire time I’ve owned those needles (a good 2 years…they’re only scarves but they’re something…oh and the best part, they’re not for me). I always wanted to try and live greener and healthier. Before D, I figured I’d have a lifetime to get healthy. But with D around I realize that time is now. We’re looking into cloth diapers; we’re going to start using eco-friendly cleaning products for our home. I wanted to find my love of books again so I went and renewed my library membership. D and I have been twice already (nothing over due just yet…whew!).
You get the picture.