Last night, I was sitting on the couch with D. She was sitting up on her own and playing with her tastiest book. Something welled up inside me and I ached a little. It’s still fresh in my memory when she just came home from the hospital and most of her hours were spent lying on my or my hubby’s chest sleeping hours upon hours. We have a picture where J tucked D into his red hooded sweatshirt and all you see is her tiny little head peeking out. I thought to myself last night that if we tried to tuck her into the sweatshirt, she’d dangle out the bottom! She’s her own person now. She smiles and laughs and even furrows her brow. She loves to play on her tummy and munch on her toes. She wants to stand up so bad. She sits up like a big girl. She is just so grown. I can’t get over it. I cried last night over it. Not a chest heaving, sloppy cry. Just a heart trembling, choked up kinda cry.
I know that if these first 6 months have flown by then certainly so will the time moving forward and that scares me. Next thing you know I’ll be sitting on the couch waiting for her to come home from prom! Seriously, though, I worry so much that I’m not making the most of this time…this time that just speeds by…I know that J and I are trying to be the best parents we can…but what about the fun of it all? Are we enjoying her enough? Parenting can take so much out of you…less sleep, less social time, less of everything you used to do and more of this great new thing….but are we realizing it enough? I have Fridays off from work right now and after my 3 day weekend, I want to take everyday off. There’s something so different about the time we have with baby when we don’t have to work….it’s carefree and vibrant and just ours….there’s no looking at the clock no pressure…I just wish all our time together could be like that. Unfortunately, I’ve got to work those other days…sigh…
When I think back to D in her first few months, I think how great it would be to have another baby and experience all that all over again. Don’t get me wrong- the lack of sleep sucked and I was a zombie for a good month but the joy of it really made it worth it. I thought right after D’s arrival, that another baby was in our near near future. I wanted to give D the gift of a sibling, of companionship throughout life…the gift of blood, familia. Now, though, I don’t know if we want a baby for the right reasons or at least right now. We want to enjoy the firsts again and share those exhilirating moments with D. We want her to share in the wonder of it. Part of it is also to see D’s reaction to a sibling. My concern is that those might not be good enough reasons. Granted their are other good reasons…like if something were to happen later in life to either J or myself or the fact that we don’t want to deprive D of anything …including the opportunity to be a big sister. But, see that’s the thing, every one of our reasons revolves around D’s needs. Unlike when we had D, where the desire was just to create a life….to make a baby and bring life into this world. Not that we don’t want that, but it’s not the first thought that comes to mind when thinking about getting preggers again.
I’m an only child and my BFF is an only child as well. I’m not trying to boast, but I think that my BFF and I turned out to be excellent human beings. My husband has a younger brother 8 years his junior. They aren’t particularly close but they really like each other and like to hang out…but 8 years is a long time. I know other folks who have siblings and they are super close and it’s in looking at those families that I am mvoed to want to have more babies (yes, plural…somehow I’ve gotten it stuck in my head that 3 is my number…well, 3 or one….God willing of course). Take for example, J’s cousins- 2 guys, 1 girl all pretty close in age. They are beautiful people with big hearts and kind ways. They have small squabbles here and there but there is a unity, a bond…something that I find so beautiful that it makes me want to make babies…like now! But then the thought creeps back into my mind…what if we have a baby too soon and never get to see D. I know it sounds insane almost…but like if we have a baby and that huge, life altering occurence changes D into a different person….I mean it will, inevitably…but what is the right time? How much time does a new little person need to come into their own before they can handle a sibling? I know what people will say, if she gets a sibling at a young age then she’ll never have known anything else…but don’t J and I owe her that much…the opportunity to really get to know D before we introduce a new person into the mix?