Motherhood has been surprising in that it is both exactly as I imagined it might be and exactly not like that at all.
I imagined motherhood to be super, fuzzy moments of wonder and joy, nonsensical bouts of crying and laughing, glee, drunken happiness mixed in with lack of sleep. It’s just that. I’m deliriously happy. Though, I’m surprised at how well I’m able to function on a daily basis without being sidetracked by the overwhelmingness of my good feelings. I’m surprised it’s like this because I thought for sure that I’d suck at motherhood. That I would be the one to moan and complain and just not get it. That I’d discover, baby in arms, that I’d been deprived of the LMG (loving mother gene).
I also imagined that motherhood would find me galavanting around town visiting friends and family and enjoy late nights of wine drinking with friends with the babe sleeping in my arms. Something to the affect of a fab celebrity toting a baby around while on hiatus…catch my drift? WRONG! Motherhood has made a hermit out of me. Pre-baby I loved myself a good social outing- dinner, lunch, movies, cocktails, chillin’ on a couch, anything to lag around and waste time away with friends. Now, I want nothing more than to hole up in our little one level condo and gobble up every second of Baby D’s life. I’m mildly obsessed with making sure she gets her nightly bath and gets a good night’s sleep. I dread (am I really saying this out loud?) that someone will ask us to do something because I’ll have to turn them down. It’s so bizarre this hermit in me.
There are friends and family that I used to see on a daily basis- lunch, stop by for a quick hello, a glass of wine, a movie or even just a drive by. Now, I have gone months without seeing some people. I can’t explain it. It’s not for fear of large crowds because Baby D has put up with the biggest and the baddest (an overwhelming crowd of old Cuban ladies clapping and whistling and shouting her name…ugh makes me dizzy just thinking about it). It’s not because she’s fussy. She’s the chillest baby I know. It’s all about me. I know that it’s selfish and I don’t give a shit.
That’s another thing. Motherhood has given me major cajones. Like seriously. I don’t give a rats ass about other people’s opinions or feelings anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a heartless bitch but when it comes to baby and my family I do what I want. I’m done trying to attend functions to be polite or do this because we’re supposed to or because it’s the nice thing to do. Time is too damn precious to waste it doing the crap other people think we should be doing. Not to mention that J and I both work out of the home so anytime all 3 of us get to spend together is very special and we’ll do with it as we please.
Back to my hermit status. I wonder sometimes if this is a phase and in a couple of months I will be clawing at the door. Everyone said I would be itching to get back to work, to the social interaction with other adults, blah blah blah….truth be told, I could have stayed on maternity leave. Everyone said we’d have to find time to be apart from the baby for our own sanity…well that’s just the thing, I find my sanity in being with the baby and thank goodness my hubby doesn’t mind!
Here’s another thing I thought about. When you’re pregnant everyone warns you about all sorts of stuff- sleep deprivation, labor pain, breastfeeding, family beds, etc. How come no one tells you that you’ll be 110% consumed with your baby to the point that nothing else wil matter? Like when I go out (on the rare occassion) with non-parents. I really don’t want to discus anything but baby. And it doesn’t have to be my baby, just parenthood or babies or family in general. Sometimes I feel like I’m going a bit mad but I welcome it and don’t fight it. If this is all a result of my little angel then it must be ok.
Alright, enough weird mom confessions….peace