Just now I was fiddling on the computer checking out one blog or another and catching bits and pieces of the Grammys. I have the TV about one notch above mute so that I can hear D if she wakes up or cries for her pacifier (bobo as we call it). She made several whimpering sounds so I rushed to her side (think Cheetara from the Thundercats style running). I rushed for no reason; my little baby was dreaming. I couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad dream but it couldn’t have been horrible because she kept on sleeping with a gentle sigh.
I lied down next to her for a second to watch her…maybe catch another glimpse of her dream. She took my breath away. She is beautiful and amazing and inspiring and more than I ever could have imagined. I stroked her little feet under the blankets and almost gasped when I realized how big she’d gotten. There was a time, not many months ago, when was just a little bitty visitor in our bed. Now she’s a full on third party. I can’t believe she’s gotten so tall…it blows my mind to think of it as tall since she doesn’t really stand yet…but then again long seems wrong so tall it is.
In this moment of jumbled thoughts…running like Cheetara…hmm, what kind of dream is she having…gosh she’s tall…remember when she was so tiny…
I am struck with the idea that my husband and I can’t possibly have done this all on our own. We’re mere mortals and she is a thing of the heavens. How could our love alone create this breathing and growing and evolving being? I’m not a religious person by any means. I was raised Catholic but lost my way. I am spiritual mainly but less so recently than in other times of my life…but D is changing that in the magical way that she has already affected so much else in my life.
In that moment seconds ago, lying next to her, I wanted to give thanks to whoever, whatever graced us with her presence. I could not be more grateful to God, the angels, the energy of the world, karma, destiny- whatever or whoever- I just want to say thanks. It’s almost like a revelation that I need to find religion again whether it be going back to Church or redefining my spirituality, I need to define what it means to me now that I’m a mom and have so much more to be grateful for. Gosh, my little D, my own little Buddha.