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Since no one I actually know in real life reads this, I feel like I can say here what I can’t say out loud. I’m pregnant. At least that’s what the two Clear Blue Easy tests told me. And what the obgyn told me after I went in for blood work after some spotting. 5 weeks or so. Like the last time, I don’t really feel pregnant or any kind of amazing human being growing inside of me. But having D, I have a sense of excitement that I didn’t quite have the last time so early on. This time around I know that it will become real, or at least I hope.

I’ve been bleeding a medium flow since Thursday. It scared the crap out of me. I’ve been in expect the worse mode ever since. It’s how I deal with things, how I can prepare myself for what’s to come – good or bad. J, on the other hand, expects the best and shies away from the worst. God bless him. I keep trying to remember small moments of each day since Thursday so I can have clear memories of the day(s) I lost a child.

At first I told myself that maybe the pregnancy tests were wrong. They are like 99.9999% accurate but surely, once in a blue friggin moon it’s wrong, right? Maybe I’m just having my period and this will all be a silly misunderstanding. Then I went in on Friday. They did an ultrasound and the tech didn’t see anything. She was amazing though because somehow she took our feelings and made them hopeful. She used words that made the lack of a sack on the screen seem ok. The blood work they did afterwards came back positive indicating that I’m about 5 weeks pregnant. I won’t lie, I was disappointed because I was actually pregnant. Not because I didn’t want to be but because that meant I was pregnant and bleeding and those two just don’t go together aside from light spotting Light spotting I was/am not.

Today, a half hour or so ago, I had stabbing pains in my abdomen. Not hunched over like the doc had warned me about but the kind which told me I could not leave the house if they continued. I lied down, I went to the bathroom, I lied down. After ten, fifteen minutes they went away. I’m fine now. I even called the obgyn’s weekend line to get some kind of professional soothing. I’m left to monitor the rest of the day and if the pain returns persistently, then to the ER I go.

D is up from her nap, I have to go. Let’s hope…

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