I’ve been feeling a certain way lately that I haven’t been able to articulate. I guess lately is a poor choice of words since it’s been a feeling I’ve had for about a year now, since I entered motherhood. This amazing woman put into writing what I’ve been feeling and I’m so grateful. I had written once how motherhood awakened in me a desire to be more myself and get back to who I truly am. I think the reason motherhood made me feel this way, so intensely and so passionately, is because being a mom put in plain sight how much of myself has been lost. This superhero captures it perfectly,
“There is a way that I no longer have the indulgence of looking at my inner life like I used to. Sometimes this is a blessing… focusing on this other life…on the immediacy of the moment and his [her] needs (and not my own) protects me from my own mental drama. At best it keeps me from obsessing about things I can’t control and leaves me more present…The down side is that I feel disconnected and confused a lot of the time…simple questions stop me and point to some sadness in me, some ungreat part of me that I haven’t untangled yet…”
I have found these ladies and their book which is proving to be the perfect exercise to awakening the spirit, the being in me that hasn’t been quite there. It is a workbook really with some great questions for taking a look at your “inner life”. I used to do activities like these all the time when I was younger and I had forgotten how much I love opening up to myself. It is making me realize I need to get back to the basics, the things I love which inspire and move me. In doing the exercises, I find that the life inside me is still very much the same – hopeful, faithful and eager. I still believe in miracles and magic, in the power of meeting strangers for a reason, in music and dance.
I had forgotten these things…no not forgotten…I had lost sight of these things. I had lost sight and stopped searching for the magic and miracles and meaningful strangers and music and dance in my life. I stopped caring for the life inside. I got caught up in life and stopped feeding my soul. A bit much, I know, but it’s where I’m at and what I need to tend to. I’m not sure how to proceed with cultivating this life inside but this is one small step in the right direction.
I have felt like this before. I was in high school and I came across a self-help/spirituality book (can’t think of the name of it right now) and it felt almost magical reading it. It spoke to some inner knowledge I’d always known but reading it in book, in someone else’s words made the knowledge come alive and real in my “outer” life. I felt like this again in college when I was studying existentialism. We were reading Kierkegaard and my professor was amaaaaazing to say the least. I felt energized and like I was seeing the world and myself in a new light. It was like wearing foggy, fingr-print dirty eye glasses and then all of a sudden someone was kind enough to show me how to best make those lenses sparkle.
I feel something akin to that now. I have known for some time now that I have been unattentive to my “inner life” but I just could never bring myself to give it the care it needed. I’m not sure what’s so different about right now but this evolution has “found” me at just the right moment. I’ll keep you posted on this new little journey of mine.