Everytime I go “home” I realize how so not home it is. I mean, sentimentally (is that a word?) it will always be home but it has changed so much since I lived there. There are like a dozen more shopping plazas and hundreds more condo complexes. It seems like every inch of free space has been gobbled up by something. And I’m not talking about some out in the country part of Jersey; this is city Jersey. Silly really but the landscape has changed and it’s just not the same home. I get a bit nostalgic when I drive around because I remember the days of just getting my license and learning cool little short cuts that are no longer there. I think about places or drives to show J and, too late, I realize…um they’re not there any more…or even better I don’t know how to get there! Funny really but sometimes makes me shrug my shoulders heavy.
I also realized how much the youth I had in Jersey isn’t the same thing I want for Dessa. Not that I didn’t have a blast or that I didn’t make incredible friends or do amazing things but for a long time I struggled with whether or not RI was the place for us. NJ has always had such a strong grasp on me. I used to have visions of recreating the same childhood for her but I realize with each visit that its not what I want. Somehow I’ve morphed into being really fond, yes fond, of the idea of this white picket fence suburban ocean side upbringing. I mean we’re not going to be the Bradys by any means but RI speaks to all the things I dreamed childhood was like for everyone else when I was growing up. As a kid, I loved my life, but always was fascinated by what other kid’s lives were like. I didn’t necessarily want their lives but just a peek.
Somehow RI makes me think I can give Dessa what I didn’t know and was curious about. Then I guess she may end up dreaming of city kid life and maybe the cycle will reverse itself one day to where she’ll flee to the city to raise her munchkins. With each year here, and honestly the more summers spent at the beach (since I barely leave the house in the winter), the more this little place and its people grow on me. Maybe this is home…2nd of course =)