Welcome to my “I Want a Baby to Come Out of My Vagina” series. I had a c-section with Dessa so I am focused on having a VBAC this second time around. I’m prepared to accept that some things are out of my control and that despite my best efforts, my vagina might never see a baby exiting through. My goal is always to have a healthy baby with a healthy mama. But my vagina isn’t going down without a fight. This series will chronicle my journey to attempting a successful VBAC.
Like I mentioned before, I have no issues with the way Dessa entered this world; I am just grateful she was born healthy and that I lived to see her ( I had a tiny bit of paranoia that I would be one of the few women who dies in labor…the paranoia still lingers now w/#2 but just a whisper). I mention this because I have read about a lot of women who feel very angry or depressed or wronged or disappointed that they didn’t have a baby stretch out their vagina to kingdom come. I am not one of these women; my heart goes out to them and I hope they can come to terms with their specific situation and find peace with it. My family made informed choices under the circumstances and I’m cool with the way things worked out.
Despite the fact that I’m okey dokey with having had a c-section, I do seriously want to try to have our next little girl vaginally. In order to do that, I’ve gone over Dessa’s birth story several times in my head to see if I can pin point when things started to look more c-section-y than vagina-y. I can confidently say the main factors in having my c-section are: 1) the fact that I went to the hospital too early and 2) I had the epidural. I’m no doctor so someone else might say I’m full of it but I know my body. I was fine at home – calm, focused, centered, empowered. At the hospital, I felt like my head was spinning and the last thing I could think about was giving birth. As for the epidural, I had way too much. I kid you not, you could have sawed off my legs and I wouldn’t have felt diddly squat. My lovely ob-gyn kept cheering me on, saying I was doing a great job pushing but in reality, I couldn’t feel a thing.
With those things in mind, my game plan for baby number 2 is to labor at home as long as possible and attempt to stretch out my vagina to deliver a baby sans medication. We’ve also moved from a traditional ob-gyn to a midwife. Unlike last time, I’m not going to just read a couple of books and call it a day. We’ve just ordered the HypnoBabies self-study kit and will attend a birth class specific to natural child birth. I don’t know why I didn’t do anything more proactive the first time round. I truly believed I could educate myself and get it done. This time though, I’m giving it a real go. I’ve heard nothing but rave reviews about HypnoBabies and at the very least it will give me a concrete method to use to center myself.
I have to admit I have a bit more fear this time around. Not about pain or the process, I mean once she wants to come out there’s no stopping her, right? But I’m a bit nervous on two fronts. First, I’m a big believer in signs and my life in the past year has not given me many hopeful signs for a successful birth. First, our cousins delivered their baby boy stillborn at 8 months. Then I had a miscarriage when I was about 5 weeks pregnant. The most recently a co-worker of mine, like she sits right next to me and we chum around all day, miscarried at about 14 weeks. I believe the universe speaks to you through signs and I don’t know if these occurences are signs but I can’t help but think of them this way. I worry that my fear will get the better of me and I’ll jump to make choices that contradict my hopes for a VBAC.
My other source of fear is how Dessa will deal with labor. I want to stay home as long as possible and that means I’ll need Jeremy to be with me to help me through it all. But it also means we’ll need someone to care for Dessa. I don’t know who I feel comfortable enough with to let them enter my home at such a private time. And sure as heck, Dessa is not going anywhere while I’m in labor. I have this vision that she will be my strength through it all…enough of that, the pregnant lady is choking up over here.
Now I know what I shouldn’t do to avoid another c-section, hopefully the baby girl in my belly does too! Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one involved in this little adventure =)
If you’ve had any experience with HypnoBabies, I’d love to hear about it.
Next up: A peek at HypnoBabies and plans for Dessa on the big day
Part 1: Dessa’s Birth Story