That Loving Feeling

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I’m due with our second daughter any day now, or as my cousin put it T minus 11 days (or really 10 days at this hour!).  And in this last stretch, I have become rather consumed with this new baby.  A big thing since I have many times throughout this pregnancy forgotten I was pregnant and felt rather neglectful of lovely daughter #2, compared to my obsession with Dessa when she was in the womb.  I’m sure a lot of it has to do with how physically conscious I am right now of my pregnancy.  I’m exhausted beyond belief, I’ve been falling asleep like a mad woman when I put Dessa down to bed, I’m in a terrible state of waddling and I can’t walk to save my life because everything aches or I feel like I might be going into labor.  Despite these not sounding like such great things, I’m grateful for them because my thoughts have been directed inward a lot more.

Take this evening when I was putting Dessa to bed.  Our routine is pretty basic and starts with dinner – eat, vacuum, bathe, lotion, 3 books and then finally some mama milk to get to sleep.  Tonight I coaxed Dessa into letting me untangle her tresses by letting her comb my hair.  It was by far one of the sweetest moments I’ve had with her – mind you we have moments I label “the sweetest” about every other second but that doesn’t matter.  She snuggled up close to me, cheek on my cheek and swayed with me as we combed each other’s hair.  My heart melted.

I recognized in that second that never before had I felt that way – simple, love, giggly, mushy, tender, alive – more than those things really and all at once.  Motherhood has done that many times, made me feel a new emotion I can’t quite put my finger on.  It’s usually a unique combination of things and it overwhelms; I try to hold each emotion tight and pray I’ll experience it again.  But also in that moment I realized how this new daughter of mine is already so different from her big sister.  I believe a great deal in the connection that exists between pregnant moms and their babes in utero.  Babies make their homes inside their mothers and they are always connected, not just literally but emotionally.

So when I had this moment with Dessa I became aware of our newest family member is currently living in a very different house than Dessa did when she was in my belly.  I’m a completely different person now than I was in my first pregnancy.  Physically my body has changed and emotionally I have opened up new parts of myself I didn’t know existed.  I love more, differently and in ways I could never have imagined.  When our little girl arrives, she’ll have some intuitive memory (or so I’m convinced) of the emotions we shared while she was in utero.  And so many of those emotions are new to me.  Dessa experienced mami BC – before children.  Sure I was emotional and all but in a way that does not compare to how your emotions grow once you’ve become a parent.

I don’t think it means anything incredible or earth shattering but it just astounds me that already these two girls are looking at the world with unique perspectives.  I can’t wait to meet this little girl.  I can’t wait for Dessa to meet her.  I can’t wait to witness them together.  So much waiting, so much anticipation.  So little sleep, though, as it’s 2am and I’m sitting up in bed with the glow of my laptop shining while Jeremy and Dessa snooze.  I think it’s time to go to bed and get one day closer to her arrival.  ‘Night =)

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One comment

  1. Carla, you made me cry! I know exactly what you mean because I feel the same way. This second pregnancy has been so different for me and sometimes I truly forget I’m pregnant, nothing like with my daughter, Vanessa.
    I love those sweet moments more than anything in the world and I can’t imagine never living them. I truly love being a mother and can’t wait to meet my second baby either…
    Thanks so much for sharing! And, hopefully I’ll hear all about your VBAC soon!!!!
    Un abrazo,

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