Breathe, Be, Savor

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Apple Picking

Oh my sweet little baby, I just came from  your side.  Like every night, you woke up and called for me.  Not Papi or your grandmother you love so much or any cousin, friend or family you adore but me, Mami.  Every night, without fail you call for me, groggy…more asleep than awake, staring into the dark waiting for me to answer your call.  Like every other night, you wanted me by your side but more than that you wanted a nighttime snack.  I cozied up beside you, a slim bit of real estate between you and your sister’s co-sleeper contraption, and you whispered, “Cheche” your sweet version of leche.

You make the sweet sounds of a nursing baby and shut your eyes, drunk with sleep.  Tonight, though, you are sleeping and eating but you move – restless, looking for something.  I try to sneak away but you’ve latched on and aren’t letting go and really how can I refuse?  Because before I know it you won’t be in our bed anymore, you won’t need me, want me anymore…so I stay and watch you.

You throw a careless leg over my hip, your lips still on me, and your hands find comfy nooks and crannies to settle in, like pieces of a puzzle come home.  We fit so perfectly together and it’s amazing how even now, so far from those days in the womb and those days of infancy, being close to me…together…calms you.  I try to leave again and you stir…so I stop and relax into the moment and you melt back into me.  We lay there, fit perfectly together, your sister’s breath in the background, for what seems like forever…what I wish could be forever.

I pull myself away eventually and you are deep in sleep…back to dreaming of lazy beach days, puppies and ice cream.  My heart wonders how many more moments like these we will have.  You are so little still but at the same time so big…I don’t know where the time has gone and it just keeps moving so quickly forward.  I miss the baby in you…but at the same time am so eager to continue getting to know the person you are becoming…witnessing you unfold more into yourself.  It’s so much at once, overwhelming…to love you so intensely.

What brought about all this sentimalish?  This post with its sweet baby picture which reminded me of how quickly babies grow.  Since I read it, I’ve been trying to really see each moment these days…see and capture and store it in my heart because I know I won’t get them back.  My mantra these days…breathe, be and savor.  Enjoy your growing little ones…

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