Oh, Little One.
You just woke up, well “woke up” as you often do – hazy, still really asleep, crawling with eyes closed across the bed towards your sister. It’s a sweet little nighttime ritual you do, your random faux wakings – more a stirring than a waking. I swooped in before you could wake your sister and nestled you in my arm, your head in that sweet little spot in my elbow. Your eyes drifted, open, close, open, close. You weren’t really awake but you knew I was there.
I realized then we never lie together, hanging out. I realized how night and day you and your sister are. Your baby girl sister was a cuddler. She’d wake up from a nap or a long night’s sleep and we’d lie in bed – gazing at each other, giggling, rolling about. We’d spoon, oh how we’d spoon. She’d fall asleep in my arms; I’d fall asleep in hers.
You, my dear, have never liked to spoon. And I try, oh how I try, you squirmy little thing. You fall asleep in my arms kinda but in my lap and as soon as you realize you’re not lying in bed you arch your little back and slither your way out of my arms onto the bed. It’s quite the maneuver. You’re impressive like that.
You little ladies are night and day, so incredibly different from one another. As a mother, it amazes me how alike but wildly different you are. Your sister from the moment she was born has been a mirror for me. I have seen myself so much in her. I know her. She is me. And I’m not talking that she imitates everything I do or that she has my mannerisms but in my heart I see my spirit in her. Her days as a baby were magical; I knew what she needed – it was instinctive and natural, sometimes still soul shocking to see so much of yourself in someone so tiny, so new.
You, sweet girl, are not me and from day one I have had to discover motherhood all over again. I have had to explore and learn who you are. I have had to work at understanding your needs. I have had to work to know you. You surprised me, baby. I thought I had it all figured out but you’ve kept me on my toes. Mothering you has been like treasure hunting without really knowing what it is I am looking for which makes the treasure that much more exciting.
Thank you for tonight, for that little moment to hold you while you slept. It reminded me that indeed you are night and day, you and your sister, but always you’ll be my babies. Together you ladies will teach me more about me than I know there is. You will teach me to grow and love and be in marvelous unexpected ways.